The San Diego Traveler

Barbie, San Diego Edition

by Carole A. Lane on July 22nd, 2007

Warning: Totally Tasteless Humor to Follow.  There are several versions of this going around the web. I received the first from a friend.  (Thanks, Lisa!) I’ve gathered other editions from several websites to compile all of these together. (I know - all terrible stereotypes, but this should offend everyone equally, and wouldn’t it be funny if…)

Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater San Diego market:

“Rancho Bernardo Barbie”

This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone included. Headset sold separately.

“Gaslamp Barbie”

This new edition hangs out near the tattoo parlors in the Gaslamp District. Tattoo kit sold separately. If desirable, you can pretend she is in to bondage (whips, bondage rope, masks and gag rope all sold separately).

” Oceanside Barbie”

This recently paroled, tattooed and nose-pierced Barbie comes with a 9mm  handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) unless you are a cop; then we don’t know what you are talking about.

“Camp Pendleton Barbie”

This Marine Lawyer is the hottest new edition to the SD Barbie Collection. Once she marries soldier Ken, watch her double in size, become sedentary, and stay that way for the rest of her Big Barbie life. Comes with an extra set of fatigues (in XXX large).

“Vista Barbie”

This upgrade from the Camp Pendleton Barbie married Camp Pendleton Ken and now tries to raise 3 kids under age 8 while husband is deployed in Iraq. Available in White, Black and Samoan.

” Del Mar Barbie”
 This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2.
Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.

“Valley Center Barbie”

This Barbie thinks she is better than Escondido Barbie because she doesn’t live in town and is rich enough to live in the country. She secretly wishes to be either Carlsbad or Del Mar Barbie. She consoles herself by frequenting Pala Casino. She comes with a child with a missing hand, which is not factory defect, but due to a bad encounter with a lion at the San Diego Wild Animal Park after mom stopped watching the children due to a depression-induced migraine.

“Santee Barbie”
This pale model comes dressed in her own  Wrangler jeans two sizes too
small, a NASCAR t-shirt and Tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

“Hillcrest Barbie/Ken”

 This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple “snap-on” parts. Bonus: free rainbow flag bumper sticker with proof-of-purchase, along with valuable discount coupons to all “F” street bookstores.

” La Jolla Barbie”
 This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard-print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the beach house. Percocet prescription available, as well as newly built high rise condo.

“Alpine Barbie and Ken”

This Barbie and Ken pair are campy and industrious. Comes with replica of homemade hot tub, welded by Ken from junkyard galvanized steel scrap. Comes only in Avocado green as Ken used paint leftover from painting the kitchen thirty years ago. Accessories include the Alpine Barbie and Ken home (sold separately for a reasonable price). Additional accessories include gas masks for those days when the air quality is exceptionally poor.

“La Mesa Barbie”

This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own
 high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Lemon Grove Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

“Chula Vista Barbie”

This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a pickup truck loaded 10 feet high with mattresses. Green cards are not available for Chula Vista Barbie or Ken.

“Leucadia Barbie”

This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair,
archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and wears Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her “Willow.” She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Leucadia Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a coupon for a free wheat-grass smoothie at any Whole Foods Market.

“Julian Bed & Breakfast Barbie and Ken”

Ken really likes this arrangement, as he and Barbie finally get away for the weekend. Here, Ken gets reacquainted with the sensation of warm apple pie, without evening having to buy one.

“National City Barbie”
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and 2 infant dolls. Optional accessories
include a GED and bus & trolley pass. White boy Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infants.

“San Marcos Barbie”

This Barbie was a high school cheerleader and can perform many routines for the undeserving Ken doll she married right out of high school. She comes with a poorly fitting cheerleading uniform 2 sizes too small and an ankle bracelet that will sound if Barbie moves more than 5 miles away from her old alma mater.

“Reservation Barbie”

She’s only available at Viejas Outlet Stores. This Barbie wears a large t-shirt and a leather and turquoise beaded belt.  She’s miffed that she was not chosen as the Ice Princess for the Viejas Holiday Nights Show (they wanted a white girl). Peace Pipe Ken drives a Dodge Ram with all factory options, but it can never be cleaned. It also comes with magnetic bullet holes and a never-ending supply of peyote.

“Pacific Beach Barbie”

This Barbie is always bitching that she can’t find a good man in Pacific Beach. She comes with a heart and wings tattoo on her lower back.

 “Carlsbad Barbie”

This princess Barbie is only sold at the brand new La Costa Forum. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with “augmented” version.

“East County Barbie”

Was a cheerleader in middle school but now only rides with Desert Rat Ken in his California lifted Ford F-150, complete with white unfinished flair fenders, bed floor removed for spare tire holder, and no carburetor. F-150 can only be purchased by parents who live in Alpine. Both come with optional Weed from Harbison Canyon and/or barbed wire tattoo. Will party in the desert all through her 20s and then finish her AA at Grossmont College when she’s 35.

“Southeast Barbie”

This Ghetto Queen comes with optional ‘baby-daddy’ car and pop-out baby seats. This Barbie comes standard with a set of press-on nails and ponytails in various lengths. Don’t mess with the breezie. She has a strong attitude and a mouth to prove it. This Barbie also comes with optional girlfriends to help you do drive-by’s to find out if Ken is out with some other hoochie.

“Downtown SD Homeless Barbie”

This Barbie comes with her own shopping cart, full of scavenged items (all sold separately). Father Joe’s shelter also available (donations accepted).

“North Island Naval Barbie”

This Barbie lives a regimented lifestyle during the week. But come the weekend, she can really let her hair down. She comes equipped with her optional lesbian lover, Daniel. (Lesbian lover Daniel and lesbian play set each sold separately).

San Ysidro Barbie”

This year introduces a new line of Hispanic Barbies; this is Donia Maria Barbie. She resides in the guest house of any Del Mar Barbie. She is very skilled at taking care of Ken and Barbie’s offspring. Tortilla maker accessory sold separately. Authentic green card is not included, though counterfeit can be obtained for 50 bucks at the local meat market or roadside vegetable stand.

“Mira Mesa Barbie”

This Asian Barbie is shorter and more petite than other Barbies. She comes with lavender colored nails and owns her own nail salon (sold separately). She comes standard with a s0uped up Honda Civic that can only drive 15mph in the city but 90mph on the freeway. Available with a big, six-bedroom house, 5 grandparents and 20 kids who can run around screaming. Ken comes with a garage so he can s0up up all his friends Hondas too. He can been seen between 12am - 2am zipping up Kearny Villa Road or Mira Mesa Blvd by the 5/805 split.

“Carmel Valley Barbie”

This new addition to our set wanted to be a Del Mar Barbie, but lacked the financial resources; she thus became a member of the rapidly expanding (and overcrowded) Carmel Valley Barbie clan. This Barbie comes equipped with her twins (Lauren and Ashley) in their dual stroller; Barbie is often seen aggressively pushing her twins up inclines in an effort to regain her “pre-baby” figure. Accessories include: the brand new I-5 highway kit, complete with the 805 I-5 northbound merge expansion set, which is where Barbie can usually be found, sitting in her oversized gas-guzzling SUV (sold separately), having waited too long to leave the UTC shopping center on her daily shopping spree. Other accessories include the new line of box-like track housing kits, each complete with 10 small palms trees (selling price will be roughly four times their actual value). The house comes equipped with nothing; plumbing and electrical wiring provided as options. Garage sold separately for storage of worthless items that Barbie has not used for years. NOTE: This Barbie can only be purchased with a heavily taxed charge card; cash is not accepted. ”

” Poway Barbie”
She’s perfect in every way. We don’t know where Ken is because he’s always at church meetings, a Scout activity, or away working. This is the only Barbie with anorexic male children, because they wrestle for Poway High.

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